Thursday, December 17, 2009

Spontaneous Combustion Limited to the Ear Canal Region of my Body

We’ve all heard the advice – never, ever, ever stick anything smaller than your elbow down your ear canal. The only problem is, last time I tried to clean out my ear with my elbow I ended up in physical therapy for six months. (Also other types of therapy, but I won’t mention those here.)

The obvious solution, then, for the problem my Ear, Nose, Throat doctor dubbed “more wax than the entire population of Russia needs for a lifetime supply of candles” – was a Q-Tip. After all, that is why they make Q-Tips… right?

Apparently not. Apparently Q-Tips really ARE for cleaning babies’ faces like the box describes… because we all know cleaning a baby’s face with a Q-Tip takes about as much time as scrubbing the deck of a yacht with a tooth brush.

Speaking of yachts, I went into the doctor’s office trying to decide – would it be a yacht of a lie to say that my eardrum exploded on its own? Was there any other explanation for the gaping hole and the leaking fluid I caused with a baby-face-cleaner? You know – spontaneous combustion has happened before. Maybe it was spontaneous combustion limited only to the ear drum region of my body.

In the end I had to tell the truth. Because it was Christmastime. And Santa Claus is coming to town. So even though it was painful, and embarrassing, and I wanted to crawl under the examination table to get away from it all, I did not.

I told the truth.

“It’s not a perforation,” the doctor said. “You just scraped your ear-canal.”

Which would explain the whole bleeding thing. Which means I wasted a yacht of a truth.

At least I know it wasn’t a TOTAL waste. At least I know Santa’s going to remember my truthfulness. At least I know I can request any present I want.

Do you think asking for a box of Q-Tips would be out of line? My husband threw mine out when he got the doctor's bill.

B.J. Hamrick is a local writer who can be reached at, or -- unless she’s writing a letter to Santa.


Ames said...

hilarious! and ouch :)

The Dreamer said...

haha! and ouch too... :p

Arianna said...

Ditto on what everyone else said :)

Sarah said...

You are funny! :) They work as long as you don't stick them in too far...self-control! lol

BJ Hamrick said...

Ames - Are you getting a laugh out of my ouch? ;)

Shaunie - LOL, thanks!

Arianna - Hehe!

Sarah - Self control? What is that?

I know all about waiting--for the right guy, for high school to end, for my boobs to come in (two out of three ain't bad).

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