Friday, July 10, 2009

The Nurse

I've met a lot of nurses during my time. Tall ones, short ones, fat ones, skinny ones.

I get all kinds of compliments from them. "You have veins from hell," one lady told me as she eyed my tiny veins.

"No wonder," I said. "They sure feel like they're on fire after you've been poking them all day."

She didn't have a sense of humor. She poked again... harder.

But there's ANOTHER nurse I know who has a great sense of humor. She's especially fun on late nights when her tongue runs away with her.

Once, she told me I was a chick-magnet. She was teasing me after watching some guys flirt with me earlier in the night. [Before I met My Boy.]

What she meant to say was I was a "guy-magnet". But sometimes she gets a lil' tongue-tied when she stays up past, say... 9 p.m.

For instance: There was the time when my dad was in the hospital, and my friend, the nurse, decided to talk things over with me outside... to encourage me.

We sat under the stars and she said, "B.J., look up. There are your descendants!"

The only problem was... there were no stars in the sky. Yeah, thanks. Glad to know the bloodline will carry on.

Speaking of bloodlines, this nurse friend of mine and I are unfortunately related to these people called brothers.

They're pretty cool now, but way back when the nurse and I were only 12 years old, the bros got in the way of some things.

Like the time we set up a secret mail box in the woods, and our brothers raided it like the German gestapo and decoded our letters in a matter of about 1.5 seconds.

Speaking of 1.5 seconds, that's about how long it's going to take my nurse friend to call when she reads this article. She's always been a timely person.

For instance, when she drives me to Bible study on Monday nights, she shows up at my house at exactly 6:40 p.m. and politely knocks (loudly) on the door while I fly around like a mad woman screaming, "Oh no! I forgot!"

See, my nurse friend is the type of person who remembers details. She even has this amazing ability to study while sleeping. Let me give you 10 simple steps for how you, like my nurse friend, can study successfully for your finals:

1) Fluff pillows on couch
2) Take shoes off
3) Fluff pillows on couch
4) Yawn loudly while unzipping book bag
5) See what's on T.V.
6) Fluff pillows on couch
7) Read a few sentences from textbook
8) Close eyes to meditate on textbook
9) Open one eye to see if anyone saw the meditating
10) Fluff pillows on couch

Right about now, my nurse friend is writing her own 10 simple steps on "How to murder B.J.". It's OK though. She's used to my insanity.

Like the time I told her we were going to hang out in the midst of her first semester of studying. To say she was panicking about her first test would be an understatement.

"You can't study ALL the time," I said, totally unsympathetic to the fact that her syllabus was the size of a phone book. Yellow pages included.

"OK," she said. "I guess it will be good for me to get out of the house for a while."

So I took the term "for a while" a little too far and kept her out most of the night.

"I'll plan the night," I said beforehand, thinking I would save her the time and trouble of making arrangements.

So I planned it. And she never knew where we were going until we got there. Each stop was directed by me as she drove the green mini-van down the road.

"Turn right," I said, as her fingers gripped the wheel and her nails turned white from the suspense. We made about 6 different stops throughout the night, which eventually ended in us buying a fish at Wal-Mart.

By "us" I mean "me", since she didn't want the responsibility of a fish when she had just started school. It's OK. I had all the time in the world.

I was pretty sick, and spent most of my time waving to the fish from my bed... when I wasn't on the phone with my nurse friend.

Speaking of bed, since I basically spent 11 years there, I decided to try out my medical knowledge on my nurse friend while she studied.

"So," I would say, "The Doc says my left arm is going to fall off. Why?"

My nurse friend would always, inevitably say, "I don't know. We haven't studied that yet."

Or I would say, "So, my tonsils are rotting out. Why?"

And she would say, "I'm not sure. We haven't studied that yet."

"My veins are little," I would say.

"Shut up," she would say. "We studied how to do that yesterday. You click your tongue to the roof of your mouth and leave it there..."

As usual, I'm not very good at knowing when to do that -- the shutting up thing -- but now I'm going to try.

There's so much more I could say about my nurse friend.

But what I will tell you is, she's going to graduate this month... and I'm so proud of her.

She deserves a T-Shirt that says, "I survived nursing school, even with B.J. attached to my side like a permament appendage."

I bet you're wondering who my nurse friend is. I can't put her name up here, for fear that she'll sue me.

So, my dear nurse friend, I want to close by saying I've always known you would be a nurse.

I've met a lot of nurses during my time. Tall ones, short ones, fat ones, skinny ones.

But you -- you were born to be a nurse. No, I take that back. You've always been a nurse.

You're my soul nurse.

I love you.

It's been a few years since this column first ran, but my sentiments remain the same. I love this lady.


Debra said...

How cute! I loved this. Ditto here on meeting a whole bunch of nurses. ;)


Amy Deardon said...

thanks for the smile!

Billy Coffey said...

There are a total of five nurses in my family. They are all a

I wouldn't have it any other way. There are few professions more difficult and less appreciated.

Anonymous said...

She sounds like a very special friend. One of my daughters is an LPN and the daughter-in-law is an RN. I appreciate the compassion and unique skills nurses bring to what can sometimes be a very difficult job.

Katie said...

I was just looking at the original copy of this article the other day thinking... "i need to get this framed". You are amazing and I'm so thankful for the many times you've made me smile! This nurse loves ya!

Elaina M. Avalos said...

Cute post, B.J! I wanted to let you know I gave you a little blog award last night. It's called the Honest Scrap Award (I have no idea why really). But you can stop by if you want to read about. :)

BJ Hamrick said...

Thanks Debra! :) Yeah, you know a lot about that too. ;)

Amy - Thanks for stopping by and saying hi!!

Bill - A little... off. Too funny! But I have to admit, I'm a little more... off... than the nurse. I've never met a more strange group of folks than those at a writers conference. ;)

Careann - She sure is! Wow, a family full of nurses. It sure is a tough job. I appreciate them too!

Kates - I'm so thankful for YOU. I love you!

Thanks, Elaina! And thanks for the award! How awesome. I'll have to blog about that this week. :)

I know all about waiting--for the right guy, for high school to end, for my boobs to come in (two out of three ain't bad).

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