Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Q & A

Q: Dear B.J.,

You seem to be pretty good at freaking out your family members. I was wondering, do you think you could help me scare my parents? Not a lot. Just a little jolt to help them realize I still exist. Nothing seems to work lately… not even the new freaky boyfriend. Thanks for any advice you can give.
- Need Help

A: Dear Need Help,

There are lots of ways you can freak out your parents. In fact, I had a difficult time narrowing it down to 10. But here are my top choices:

1. Mention that you want to live at home until you’re 23. This works
even better when you’re the youngest child. Watch as their eyes glaze
over every time you say it.

2. Listen to classical music. Go ahead. It’s free on the Internet. The
next time your parents tell you to do your homework, crank up the
classical loud and clear. They’ll have you to the psychiatrist in no
time (unless you’re home-schooled*…).

3. Get up when your alarm goes off. No, that was not a joke. Stop
laughing. (I can’t tell you if this one works though, since I’ve never
tried it.)

4. Get a job. (Unfortunately, I can’t tell you if this one works either.)

5. Hang out with their friends. This is one of my favorites. This is
especially effective when your parents ask the “What time will you be
home?” question. Watch their eyes pop when you say “7 p.m. – sharp.
I’ll be out with Harold and Marge.”

6. Date someone they like. This might be the most painful way to go.
After all, your parents came from a decade when it was popular to have
hair that looked like it belonged to Richard Simmons.** But if you
want to freak your parents out, it might be worth considering taking a
date whose piercings don’t seem to ask, “What can I do to make myself
less employable?”

7. Offer to cook dinner. One of two things will happen: your parents
will keel over from the shock, or they will keel over from the food.
Just know that you will probably never have to cook again.

8. Tell them you want to have meaningful conversation. Set a time on
their schedules, and then tell them you have some really big news. Let
it stew for a few hours. Then let them know (again) that you’d like to
live at home until you’re 23.

9. Insert your own idea here.
Now mail it to me.***

10. Get a humor column. Nothing scares your parents more than the
thought of what they’ll read in the newspaper come Monday morning
(right, Mom?)


*I can pick on home-schoolers because I was one once.
** Please limit all hate-mail to 25 sentences since I’m severely
allergic to doses higher than this.

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I know all about waiting--for the right guy, for high school to end, for my boobs to come in (two out of three ain't bad).

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