Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Dear B.J.

Dear B.J.,

I think you should get out more often.

-Just My Opinion

Dear Just My Opinion,

I agree. It’s a problem with humor columnists. We sit at our desks all day and stare at blank screens. It’s all we do. We do not read the news. We do not go to the store. We do not go to parties. We do not have any friends. We are a dry, dull bunch.

Even famous humor columnist Erma Bombeck said her social life was somewhat to the left of a sedated parakeet. (If that’s the case, then I think mine must be somewhat to the left of a drowned rat.)

There is a price to pay for this job. It keeps me so busy that I rarely get to leave my desk. You know, all that paper-shuffling and e-mail replying. Sometimes I even forget how to talk.

I’m in it for the money, of course. The whole drowned-rat thing is totally worth the monetary gain. One day after I’ve earned my fortune I’ll move back into the real world. Then maybe we could be friends. Then maybe I'll read the news, educate myself on current world events, and have decent conversations with strangers.

Until then, I’m just one little rat, running in the race… please forgive the stench.

No real humans were harmed in the making of this column. As in this case, sometimes B.J. writes hate-mail to herself, just because she doesn't get enough in real-life.

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I know all about waiting--for the right guy, for high school to end, for my boobs to come in (two out of three ain't bad).

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