Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Wednesday's Post: Brought to you by Anaesthetic

Recently, I lost some sleep over how I would explain to my dentist that I'd avoided him for ten years.

I could say that I'd had some major life changes, I thought. Or that I was living with a small tribe in Africa, where the indigenous peoples burned my toothbrush in the fire because they thought it was an evil spirit. Or that I'd been bitten by a rabid raccoon, and the antidote caused my teeth to turn to their present state of yellow.

No matter how hard I tried, though, I couldn't come up with anything better than the truth: I'd avoided the dentist because…

"I suppose you're wondering where I've been," I broke the ice as he strutted into the treatment room last week.

"Apparently through childhood, puberty, and most of your childbearing years since you last had your teeth cleaned," he said as he eyed my chart.

My face went hot. "How could you assume that?" I asked. "I had my teeth cleaned last year."

He pried my mouth open and took a gander.

"Nice try," he said. "Are you sure you're not referring to the one time you brushed last year?"

I sighed. "I know you won't believe this, but…"

"Here it goes," he said. "I've heard it all. Try giving me one excuse."

"I've had…"

"A lot of life changes?" he asked dully.

"Actually, I was going to say there was this tribe in Africa, and…"

"They burned your toothbrush because they thought it was an evil spirit," he said.

"Actually, no", I answered. "I was bitten by a…"

"Rabid raccoon?" he finished my sentence.

I sighed. Was there no hope for liars?

"I told you," the good dentist said, "I've been practicing for 25 years. I've heard all the excuses in the books."

"OK, I'll tell you the truth," I said.

"Now that would be a first," he replied. "A patient telling me the truth? Just for that I'll give you half price on your fillings today."

Good thing, too, because I needed seven.

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I know all about waiting--for the right guy, for high school to end, for my boobs to come in (two out of three ain't bad).

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