Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Pillow Talk

So I have this thing with sleep. We get along. Like Batman got along with Penguin.

We are not besties.

But every once in a while – when I’m really tired – sleep and I develop a closer relationship. Like Churchill and Hitler. That’s when I know – it’s time to call in the allies.

So I do. In fact, I called them last night. The allies arrived in the form of a prescription pill strong enough to kill the neighborhood cat. (Not that I would have tested that…)

There are people who can lick this sleeping pill and sleep for four days. There are also people who can take two of these pills and sleep for only four hours.

I am in neither category. I am the person who can lick the pill and THINK I’m awake in four hours… only to later discover I’m actually somewhere on Interstate 95 in my pajamas in the car… only it’s not my car. Or my pajamas.

So last night, when I was “awake” four hours after taking the pill, I decided to walk into the living room. Actually, “walk” is probably a strong word. It was more like “entered as gracefully as a physical therapy patient after a stroke.”

Which is what I did, almost. Have a stroke. Because when I got to the living room I realized it was kind of warm. And I needed to turn on the ceiling fan.

I also realized that I was only 5’2’’ and needed to reach the fan. Natural conclusion: stand on the ataman.

Only… I forgot. The ataman has wheels.

So there I stood… one foot on the couch and one foot on the ataman. Actually, “stood” is probably another strong word. It was more like “vacillated like a politician during election year.”

I don’t remember what happened next. I only know I lived. And I told myself, like 1,000 times before, that I would never take another prescription sleeping pill.

Ever make promises like that to yourself? Ones you know you won’t be able to keep? Living without sleep for too long can make ya crazy. Trust me. I know.

So scratch the whole no sleeping pills thing. Maybe I should set a more reasonable goal for myself. Anybody know of a store that sells superglue in bulk? And a detergent that can take it out of bed sheets later?

B.J. Hamrick is serious about the superglue. Send her your answer at writebrained@gmail.com.


Abbie said...

Teehee! Seriously? This cracked me up. I love the strange things and completely illogical things we do when delirious (or drugged!), thinking all the while that it's a perfectly logical thing to do.

I've never seen "ataman" spelled that way. I've always seem "ottoman."

BJ and Ethan said...

Hahah... yeah. Seriously. I get all the fun stuff happening to me. ;)

Umm... so I probably spelled ataman wrong. Google said it was right, and everything in Google is true, no?

I know all about waiting--for the right guy, for high school to end, for my boobs to come in (two out of three ain't bad).

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